When my student tagged me in a picture that read: “Real Men Marry Teachers,” she inspired me to explain why men, in reality, would never want to marry teachers: 1. We expect gifts at every occasion whether it is related to our person or not: Columbus Day, Labor Day, and other irrelevant holidays. 2. The competition is dire: young boys with hearts in their eyes hanging on our every word. 3. We correct every word anyone utters. 4. We give undue credit to ourselves for every success anyone experiences. “Of course,” we’d say, “I taught him in 3rd grade and look at him now: he is a renowned actor.” 5. We dress funny. We aim for the comfortable and practical while trying to look decent. We end up looking like aunt Betty draped in a carpet. 6. We don’t wear perfume because we don’t want more male students developing crushes on us. 7. We think we have the most important job in the world and equate ourselves with Socrates. 8. We watch “Dead Poet’s Society” twelve times a year. 9. We keep quoting Shakespeare even though we have read only a few of his plays and sonnets in some college class we took. 10. We have very loud, I mean VERY loud voices, and we talk to everyone with this voice. 11. We think it is OK to yell at others. 12. We give punishment when homework has not been done including housework such as dishes and laundry. 13. We penalize latecomers even if the latecomer is a date we are meeting for the first time. 14. We expect everyone to like us when we act serious and indifferent. 15. We expect people to laugh hysterically at our jokes because our students do that in class. 16. We pretend to love apples because it is on every “Best Teacher” sign. 17. Deep down, we loathe apples. 18. We think it is OK to point to things using rulers or laser pointers. At lunch dates, we substitute those with forks and knives and end up looking very threatening. 19. We boss people around and presume they have nothing better to do than cater to our needs. 20. We spend most of our money on school supplies and whine about not having enough money to go out with friends. 21. We have more books than furniture in our houses. 22. We hold on to clutter including final exams from 10 years. 23. We have to have a soft copy and multiple hard copies of every single document ever fathomed. 24. Most of us have developed rubrics/checklists for almost everything in our lives including dates, husbands, houses, children, and even pets. 25. We make you cite your sources and question their credibility even if you are simply relating to us the latest office gossip. 26. We are compelled to thoroughly discuss the entire relationship with our expectations and reward system on the first date. 27. Complaints usually fall on deaf ears. When someone complains, we demand they refer to our initial contract. We borderline write syllabi for all relationships and commitments. 28. During an argument, we make you restate what we just said to ensure we were perfectly understood before we move on to more complicated relationship issues. (Credit goes to Reine Azzi for the last two).